Michael Wu - How to Judge a Book by Its Cover: A Case Study on Futility

    We asked a random high school student to write down as many methods of picking an enjoyable book as possible and rank them from worst to best. Of course, there is only one true way to analyze any work of literature, but we didn’t tell him that. The subject started with legitimate advice but eventually began writing pure misinformation. The more egregious claims were ranked at the very beginning of the list as per instructions. The study was called off after the subject experienced catatonic shock from the sheer pointlessness of his exercise and was rushed to the hospital. His sacrifice was an important asset to the scientific community. Now, you can bask in the complete and utter nonsense he has spat onto his page. We hope this study serves as a lesson to all: (1) Don’t bother coming up with multiple answers to a problem with only one true solution, and (2) Don’t trust everything you read. Whoever wrote it may just be messing with you...

Method 1 – Flammability: The richer a book’s plot, the longer it will burn. Make sure you acquire a second copy of the book before testing. Then, light that baby up and witness the true power of literature. (Tip: Do not soak the book in gasoline or lighter fluid. You are testing for the flammability of the book and only the book.)

Method 2 – Smell: Give the book a big ‘ol sniff. If it has that signature, freshly-printed scent, it’s probably a good one. (Tip: make sure your book isn’t laced with arsenic, cyanide, or other toxic chemicals before sniffing.)

Method 3 – Material: After being opened for the first time, a paperback book will refuse to close unless pressed under a heavier, better-designed hardcover novel. Paperbacks tend to be less durable than hardcovers. This is an important thing to consider when purchasing books instead of checking them out from a library. (Tip: If a book is shut tight enough, it can be submerged underwater for minutes on end without getting completely wet. You will find this information extremely useful.)

Method 4 – Paper Quality: Some books, especially the tiny ones, are printed on paper so thin and crinkly that you could blow your nose with it. This paper will warp immediately after coming into contact with even remotely moist hands. You want a book printed on nice, thick sheets that wont self destruct when confronted with the gentlest touch. (Tip: Thin pages burn faster, which has nothing to do with physics, and everything to do with plot.)

Method 5 – Color Palette: Often, the color of a book’s cover indicates the genre of the narrative. Darker colors indicate mystery, science fiction, or sad romances and fantasies. Brighter colors indicate happier romances and fantasies, realistic fiction, and comics. (Warning: If you’re colorblind, judge based on taste instead.)

Method 6 – Illustrations: The cooler the illustrations on the front cover, the more epic the story will be. (Tip: Books with no illustration should be monitored around the clock for suspicious activity.)

Method 7 – Length: There is a sweet spot for the length of fiction titles, around 250 pages long. If you’re not crazy about reading, 200 might be better. If you’re really interested in the specific title, go for 400 pages. (Tip: If your book is over 1000 pages long, it’s either a textbook, encyclopedia, or dictionary, and you should find something else.)

Method 8 – Page Density: Length isn’t everything. Some books can have many pages but, upon closer inspection, have a large font size and spacing that makes them effectively shorter to read. Analyze the book’s format according to your own personal preferences. (Tip: Make sure to take into account illustrations, as they can take up very large amounts of space.)

Method 9 – Obscurity: How popular is this book? Have you seen other people reading it or talking about it? The more popular a book is, the more likely it is that you will enjoy reading it. (Tip: Read obscure books anyway. It is more than likely that the author worked very hard on it. Authors are often lonely, so show them some sympathy.)

Method 10 – Age: When was this book published? If it was published anytime before the 50s, you may begin having trouble understanding the language. Judge based on how much of a mental workout you want. (Tip: The older a book is, the more people tend to find it boring. You don’t have to, though.)

Method 11 – Author: Go ahead and search the author online. How many works has the author published previously? How much have they accomplished outside of writing books? Do they look good? All of these are important factors. (Tip: If the author is dead, read the book anyway out of respect.)

Method 12 – Reviews: Go online and find a couple reviews from random people and see if people like it. You are guaranteed to find several negatively-worded reviews from people who read the half of the book, and several positive reviews that you’ll end up ignoring through the negativity bias. (Tip: The more reviews a book has, the more you can trust their collective opinion. Each individual review may be negligible, but if you add them all together eventually something will happen.)

Method 13 – Recommendations: If this book has been recommended to you by a friend or other trusted individual, you should probably check it out. After all, you trust your friends’ tastes, right? Besides, it’s better than listening to a complete stranger. (Tip: If you have no friends, cry about it.)

Method 14 – Description: Most books have a little description of the plot, either on the back cover or on the inside of the jacket, if present. This is the best way to understand a book’s plot without actually reading it. Of course, it’s impossible to fit hundreds of pages worth of content into a space the size of a postcard, but it’s better than nothing. (Tip: If the book has no such description, refer to Method 15.)

Method 15 – Read It: Just read the damn thing; it’s not that hard.

Michael Wu